i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
