Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
