i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
