so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
