why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
