You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
