I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
