So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
