I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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