i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
