i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
cat food counts as protein by the way
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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