and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
