So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
