Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
