You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
