i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
