First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
