You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize