you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
