I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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