i already hear my dad disowning me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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