I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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