when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
