I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
