i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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