No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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