the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
