You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
