Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
