I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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