the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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