someone threw a dead crab at me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
