please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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