my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His hands were made for my vagina.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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