im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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