the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
