I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize