so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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