i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
