when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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