remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
