You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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