can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
