Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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