I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize