shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
