got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
