She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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