I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
