Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
