its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
