I want to make a zoo with you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
