I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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