I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's Friday. Sex?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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