All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
