I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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