I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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