How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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