Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
