seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
