I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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