Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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