I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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