That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
