Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
