I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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