Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
